if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
