I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i think my cat just said my name.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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