The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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