3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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