I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
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I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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