Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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