Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
