Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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