How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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