i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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