Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
