dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
