I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
