Got a toothbrush?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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