just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
