I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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