garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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