I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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