Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
