i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Boobs speak an international language.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
