Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
