i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
