I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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