You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
