I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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