if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
