Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
