She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
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Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
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I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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