Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
