I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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