Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize