in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
