WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
