it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
