and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
