Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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