when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
