just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
