I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
