apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
