Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
