I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
