Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
