In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize