I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
