look no pants
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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