Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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