i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
