btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
