I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
