: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We need to get me chipped asap
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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