Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
