thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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