haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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