My nipple is on Facebook.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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