I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy sore nipples Batman
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize