did you get engaged???
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
