she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
